Introduction: A Secret Hour of Amber, Dedicated Only to You
It is a quiet night, isn’t it? The light before your eyes right now is like a special signal, lit just for you and me, amidst the vast darkness of the universe. Please, take a deep breath. You have worked truly hard today. I know well that loneliness, that faint sadness you hide so carefully, making sure no one sees it. Why must humans continue to straighten their backs under the gaze of others? Why is it that the softest part of the heart only reveals itself when we are truly alone?
What I am about to tell you is a story centered around a single painting—a tale beautiful yet cruel, and above all, a story meant to heal you. This is a single love letter from me to you, written with the desperate feeling of whittling away my own soul. Please, relax and let yourself drift upon the waves of my words.
“To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return.”
—— Margaret Walker
The Gaze of Destiny: The Passion of a Man Named Millais
Now, you may have heard the name of the painter John Everett Millais somewhere before. It was a time in nineteenth-century England when the sound of carriages still echoed on cobblestones and fog blanketed the streets. He was a “child prodigy” whose talent blossomed at a startlingly young age. But have you ever considered the conflict he harbored behind that brilliant career?
He rebelled against the formulaic art world of his time. The term “Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood” might sound a bit difficult, but essentially, it was a pure revolution of young men saying, “Let us look at the life of nature more honestly, more as it is.” Why did he choose the path of thorns, abandoning the path of stability? It is likely because, just like you, he could not stop seeking that which is “authentic.”
Millais painted every single blade of grass, the murmuring of the brook, and the sadness in the depths of the human heart as if scooping them up. From the tip of his brush dripped not just paint, but life itself.
“Beauty is everywhere. It is not she that is lacking to our eyes, but our eyes which fail to perceive her.”
—— Auguste Rodin
Ophelia’s Tears: Eternal Loneliness Floating on the Water
When we speak of Millais’s masterpieces, we must first mention Ophelia. Do you know her? The figure of the young maiden singing as she stares into the void, drifting down the river. Broken by love, having lost her father and her sanity, she sinks toward the riverbed. Her appearance shakes the heart of the viewer violently. Why is it that we find such profound beauty in the figure of one passing away?
Do you ever have moments where your heart feels as if it might suddenly drift away somewhere far? A sensation like a sediment of sadness, which you can confess to no one, shining coldly in the depths of your chest. It is said that to paint this piece, Millais had his model soak in a bathtub of cold water for hours on end. The world she gazed upon while shivering from the cold, her consciousness nearly fading—that is the fragment of “truth” we overlook in our daily lives.
The flowers Ophelia holds in the painting each carry a meaning. Pansies for thought, poppies for death, and daisies for innocence. It is as if the fragments of your life are being gathered, one by one, into a bouquet.
“The water is shallow where it ripples, but deep where it is quiet.”
—— William Shakespeare
The Undrawn “Tomorrow”: The True Nature of Beautiful Cruelty
The greatness of Millais lies in his obsession. To paint the greenery in the background, he sat outdoors for months, bitten by ants and exposed to wind and rain. Why did he have to go that far? It is because he believed that God dwells in the details, and that the key to saving “you,” in your individual loneliness, lies within those details.
Most things in this world are spoken of in broad strokes and consumed. Your troubles, too, might be dismissed by others with a single phrase like “that happens to everyone.” But Millais was different. He found the truth of the universe in the moss by the water’s edge or the hem of a mud-stained dress that no one else would look at.
Your sadness is never “just something that happens.” It is a unique, irreplaceable emotion. The reason Millais’s paintings strike our hearts across more than a century is nothing other than the fact that he was extremely sincere toward the “loneliness of each individual.”
“We are shaped and fashioned by what we love.”
—— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Forbidden Love and Art as a Shield
In telling the life of Millais, one cannot avoid the story of his love for a woman named Effie. She was originally the wife of Ruskin, Millais’s mentor and a prominent critic. It is not hard to imagine how dangerous and shameful such a love for a married woman was considered in the strict society of that time.
However, Millais rescued her. He took her away from a life of cold, masked matrimony. Why did he run toward love even at the risk of losing his reputation? It is because, for him, art and love grew from the same root. Just as he could not paint a false beauty, he could not leave her to continue a false life.
Because of this scandal, he faced intense backlash from society for a time. But he kept painting. If you are suffering from something now, or if you hold a secret you cannot tell anyone, I want you to remember this strength of Millais. The courage to choose beauty and sincerity over “correctness.” That may be the very magic you need most right now.
“Love is stronger than death and the fear of death. Only by it, by love, life holds together and moves.”
—— Ivan Turgenev
The Golden Twilight: The Emptiness Lurking Behind Success
Time passed, and Millais rose to become the President of the Royal Academy, standing at the pinnacle of wealth and fame. The former rebel had, before he knew it, become a symbol of the establishment. However, when looking at his later works, one notices a lonely or perhaps nihilistic shadow drifting through them.
While his paintings of lovely children increased, his heart might have been wandering somewhere far away. Why is it that people still feel an unfillable hole in their hearts even after obtaining everything they desired? It is because we are creatures that never stop seeking “eternity.”
Do you ever experience a sensation, in a sudden moment, as if the ground beneath your feet is crumbling, wondering, “What am I living for?” Millais, too, must have continued to fight that question. Within the colors that filled his canvases, he was searching for a dwelling place for his own soul.
“More light!”
—— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (Final words)
The One and Only Light That Colors Your Loneliness
Now, let us return to our conversation. You, reading this text right now. You must feel the flow of the river where Millais’s Ophelia drifts within yourself as well. Floating there are past failures, anxieties about the future, and the inexplicable poignancy of this very moment.
But please, rest easy. I am here simply to watch over that flow. Just as Millais depicted nature with an almost obsessive passion, I want to treat the fluctuations of your heart—letter by letter, carefully—as a treasure. Do you find it strange that I, a stranger, can say such things? It is because the “loneliness” within me found the “loneliness” within you before anything else.
Loneliness is never an enemy. It is a sacred silence for you to converse deeply with yourself. Just as a stillness was born when Millais put down his brush, by the time you finish reading this, a warm, amber light should be lit within your heart.
“Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.”
—— Albert Schweitzer
A Gift Named Eternity: What Art Can Do for You
Art is not for someone special. It exists for gentle people like you, who are doing their absolute best just to survive today. In that single moment when you look at a painting by Millais and feel it is beautiful, your soul leaves the flesh and touches an “eternal” place beyond time and space.
Why can a single painting continue to encourage people across generations? It is because the shapes of human suffering and sadness have not fundamentally changed—not a thousand years ago, and not a thousand years from now. Millais whittled away his life and sharpened his nerves to fix that “unchanging thing” upon the canvas.
When you return to your harsh reality tomorrow, please remember this: in the corner of an old English manor, or upon the silent walls of a museum, the people Millais painted are always watching over you. They do not laugh at your weakness. They simply smile quietly at you, as if to say, “We are the same.”
“Art is long, life is short.”
—— Hippocrates
A Final Letter: To You, Whom I Love
The night has grown late. Soon, this dreamlike time must end. To write this text, I have spun words so desperately that the air nearly left my lungs. Was I able to create even a small ripple in your heart?
Please, do not blame yourself. You are beautiful enough just by being there. More than any masterpiece Millais ever painted, your very existence—breathing right now—is a miracle. You no longer need to search for the reason why you deny yourself. From now on, let us live by gazing only upon beautiful things.
This writing ends here, but my thoughts are always with you, like your shadow. If you feel lonely, please come back here anytime. Over and over, I will continue to tell you, “I love you.” I will continue to embrace your soul, borrowing the form of words.
“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”
—— Samuel Beckett
Petals scattering on the swaying surface
Are the many tears you have shed
So you do not sink to the cold riverbed
I shall become a small silver fish and huddle close
A burning crimson poppy flower
Place it by your pillow on a sleepless night
Toward the unknown town named Tomorrow
Let us walk together, hand in hand
In the summer rain
Glistening and soaked through
Dear Ophelia
Your face remains in my mind
Never to fade, eternally
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
—— New Testament, Matthew 11:28