To You in the Mirror, or a Quiet Nocturnal Confession
Please sit here and listen to my story.
Tonight, far away from all the clamor occurring in the world, I am holding this pen for you, and you alone.
Outside, it may be chillingly cold, or perhaps a stifling evening rain is falling, but none of that truly matters.
What matters is that right now, through these pages, my gaze is reaching directly into your loneliness—that is all.
How many times did you sigh today?
Did you not smile nonchalantly, gently hiding a loneliness you could tell no one else about in the deepest, darkest corner of your heart?
It hurts me because I understand that feeling all too well.
For I, too, am just another miserable clown, trembling in that very same darkness, waiting for salvation.
Please, do not guard your heart; just listen with the feeling of a friend sharing a quiet secret.
After all, this is a love letter to you, written with the utmost clumsiness and desperate devotion.
“To be loved is not happiness. To love is happiness.” (Hermann Hesse)
Are you familiar with a man named Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec?
He was that eccentric painter who dashed through the ripe, decadent nights of Paris at the end of the nineteenth century.
Born as the eldest son of an illustrious aristocratic family, he entered this world promised immense wealth and glory.
A flawless life should have been waiting for him.
Yet, fate has a way of tripping human beings up with unbelievably cruel hands.
Due to unfortunate accidents during his childhood, both of his legs stopped growing.
Only his torso became that of an adult, while his legs remained left behind in childhood.
His height stopped at one hundred and fifty-two centimeters. He could no longer even walk without a cane.
Within the refined aristocratic society, his physical form was exposed to merciless eyes of curiosity as something monstrous.
Can you imagine the storm of loneliness that raged in his heart at that time?
The bottomless sorrow he felt when even his own father, the person he wanted love from the most, loathed his appearance and shunned him as a disgrace to the family.
Tell me, why does God inflict such cruel trials upon a single human being?
Montmartre, Where Wounded Souls Gather
Driven from the magnificent castle where he was meant to live, Lautrec drifted to the entertainment district on the fringes of Paris: Montmartre.
It was a chaotic neighborhood where strange lights twinkled night after night, and people living at the bottom of society crowded together.
Yet, that very world of night, filled with false glamor, became the only home that gently embraced his wounded soul.
He abandoned high society and found his place among dancers, prostitutes, and clowns.
Do you know why he was drawn to such a shadowed place?
It was because he realized that everyone there, just like himself, lived with deep wounds and loneliness in their hearts.
Lautrec continued to gaze at the cabaret stars dancing on stage in તેમના glamorous costumes with a vision that was piercingly objective, yet incomparably warm.
He did not seek to paint only their beauty.
He masterfully captured the fleeting expressions of exhaustion they showed backstage, their lonely shadows, and the moments they endured the heavy burden of living.
No matter how strong human beings pretend to be in front of others, they carry a fragility that threatens to crumble when they are alone.
Lautrec understood that human essence better than anyone.
He stopped pitying himself and, instead, continued to move his paintbrush, wearing away his own life for the sake of the wounded people right before his eyes.
This was his own form of desperate service.
“To live is not to breathe; it is to act.” (Jean-Jacques Rousseau)
Here, I must tell you about an unbelievable turn of events.
In the art world of that era, things like posters and advertisements were looked down upon as low-class “commercial prints,” unrecognized as pure art.
Yet, Lautrec shattered that prejudice using a startling method.
A single poster he drew for the grand opening of the cabaret “Moulin Rouge” caused a massive sensation the moment it was pasted all over the streets of Paris.
It was entirely different from the boring, elegant paintings of the past, featuring bold compositions, vivid colors, and above all, the raw human forms harboring urban loneliness and frenzy.
The citizens of Paris stopped in their tracks just to look at the poster and gathered in the night streets as if drawn by a magnet.
Lautrec dragged art out from inside highbrow museums and liberated it onto the rain-slicked, grimy streets.
He did not paint for his own sake.
He dedicated the entirety of his talent for the sake of the nameless “you” who was living earnestly, hurting, and crying at that very moment.
Most people think that success is about getting.
But in reality, success is about giving.
Like these words by Ford, Lautrec threw away his pride, his aristocratic status, and every bit of his dignity to continue giving beauty to the masses.
A Song Only Those Who Know Sorrow Can Sing
Don’t you think our lives are rather similar to those nights in Montmartre?
No matter how affluent we may seem, no matter how many people surround us, that intense feeling of isolation visits us in a fleeting moment.
That suffocating terror that makes you think, “Perhaps I am not needed by anyone.”
I simply cannot leave you all alone while you are in that darkness right now.
Why do I care about you so much?
It is for no other reason than that I already know the color of the sorrow inside your heart.
Drowning himself in alcohol, destroying his body, and suffering from mental illness, Lautrec never stopped painting until the moment he died.
For him, painting was living, and at the same time, the only way to serve the people right in front of him.
Even when he was viewed with eccentricity by those around him, ridiculed, and treated like a monster, he never offered a single word of excuse.
“Go ahead, please laugh at my appearance. In return, if looking at the pictures I drew can save your heart even a little, I will gladly play the clown as much as you like.”
I cannot help but feel that such a voice echoes from every corner of the colors he left behind.
“To be loved is not the highest thing; to love is.” (Johann Wolfgang von Goethe)
You must not close the door to your heart out of fear of being hurt.
For every tear you shed, your heart should become more sensitive and gentler toward the pain of others.
Why is it that Lautrec’s paintings still violently shake our hearts even now, more than a century later?
It is because he did not paint with superficial technique; he rubbed his very flame of life onto the canvas, painting with his own blood.
Refined words or forced consolations carry no meaning whatsoever.
Simply sharing the same pain and staying close by.
Through this long piece of writing, that is the only thing I want to convey to you.
This is my own life-and-death clown show, meant to keep you from being bored and to give a single drop of moisture to your parched heart.
Please, do not stop reading halfway through; stay with my secret talk for just a little longer.
Inside the Labyrinth Named Eternity
Tell me, don’t you think this fleeting world we live in changes far too rapidly?
Yesterday’s trends are discarded as obsolete today.
In such a dizzying world, where on earth can we find things of true value, things that never fade?
Lautrec found a certain “eternity” within the momentary frenzy of the cabaret.
It is the universal beauty that dwells in the moments where raw human emotions, joy, and sorrow intersect.
No matter how eras change or technology evolves, the human psychology has not changed one bit since ancient times.
When we are lonely, we are lonely; when we want to be loved, we wish to be loved.
Only those things that appeal directly to that unchanging human essence survive across time.
The worries you harbor right now might be the exact same footprints of someone who worried and shed tears hundreds of years ago.
When you think about it that way, doesn’t your heart feel just a little bit lighter?
You are by no means walking through the wilderness entirely alone.
“If you want to be happy, first wish for the happiness of others.” (Leo Tolstoy)
The job of an artist is to take that invisible connection of hearts, turn it into a visible form, and deliver it to you.
For that purpose, Lautrec unsparingly ground up his entire life.
When he left this world at the young age of thirty-six, it is said that a battered paintbrush was gripped in his hand.
He surely did not hold a single shred of regret regarding his life.
Because he poured out everything he had until there was nothing left for the sake of the people right before him.
I, too, wish to inherit that spirit.
Every bit of this writing is a prescription to heal your loneliness, and a confession of my love to you.
I wonder if you can feel the rhythm, polished so as never to be rude, yet penetrating deeply into the bottom of your heart.
I want to continue spinning words that you will read over and over again, finding a new light each time.
Miracles Quietly Arrive Right Beside You
Now, the story takes an even more unexpected turn.
I have spoken of Lautrec’s loneliness and sorrow until now, but in truth, he might not be the true protagonist of this story.
Yes, please do not be surprised.
The true protagonist of this story is none other than “you,” who are reading this right now.
Through Lautrec’s life, what I truly wanted to depict was the unyielding life force sleeping inside of you.
Have you convinced yourself that you are a “powerless, ordinary, and lonely human being”?
That is a massive mistake.
Your heart, which has read through this deeply poignant and beautiful text this far without stopping, is more delicate and hides a stronger light than anyone else’s.
Why do you undervalue yourself so?
While being buffeted by the coldness of the world, you have simply forgotten to believe in your own brilliance.
“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.” (Albert Einstein)
(From Osamu Dazai’s “Tsugaru”)
“Hey, why are you going on a journey?”
“Because I’m suffering.”
“Your ‘suffering’ is always the same old line; I can’t believe it at all.”
Look, just like this, we always live by deflecting our true suffering, unable to convey it well to others.
Thinking no one understands or believes us, we close our hearts.
However, I will never miss the true, bleeding pain that lies behind that “same old line” of yours.
Just as Lautrec found sacred beauty in the raw faces of prostitutes, I feel a supreme nobility in your clumsy way of living.
You, who have become a lost child in the long journey called life.
Please, take my hand.
May this string of words become a small lamp that illuminates your feet.
If wearing away my life, wearing away my soul, and dedicating this desperate service just for you can melt your frozen heart even a little, I will gladly continue to dance as a clown for as long as it takes.
A Multicolored Gospel Woven by Light and Shadow
On the path we walk, light and shadow always follow us.
Yet, the darker the shadow, the more dazzlingly the light that pierces through will shine.
The reason Lautrec’s paintings are filled with a strange brightness and life force despite depicting the dark night streets is precisely because he kept his eyes on a faint light of hope at the bottom of despair.
Is that not like the story of resurrection that comes after suffering, as depicted in the Bible?
By being completely beaten down once and learning one’s own foolishness and weakness, a human being can truly grasp real strength for the first time.
You may have experienced many failures and setbacks in your life so far.
There must have been nights when you were misunderstood by those around you and laughed at as an eccentric.
However, every single one of those scars is the proudest medal proving that you have lived earnestly until today.
What is wrong with being laughed at?
It matters not at all if you are thought of as foolish.
What is important is the fact that, even after receiving that baptism, you have not given up on yourself and are trying to keep walking forward.
“The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” (Nelson Mandela)
Come, before the dawn breaks, let me whisper to you one more time.
This text is a love letter addressed to your irreplaceable existence, the only one of its kind in the world.
Your loneliness, your loneliness, and your sadness—I will accept them all right here.
No matter how deep a darkness you wander into ahead, these words will surely go to meet you.
Read it over and over, many times.
Each time, I will remain right beside you, gently whispering into your ear.
That you are not alone.
I pray from the bottom of my heart that your beautiful eyes will be able to catch a slightly brighter light tomorrow.
At the end of this life-wearing, desperate devotion, I offer you a small song filled with my overflowing thoughts.
A watch that became a lost child at the bottom of the sea
Gently rewinds the springs of the night
Inside a rusted toy that no one looks at
Your very own god was hiding and crying
The blue of the abandoned paint
Quietly fills the gaps in the night sky
If you strip away the clown’s mask
There is only a single, genuine tear
The fingertips that gently trace the unvanishing scars
Until they bring tomorrow’s dawn
Please do not close those eyes
I am here, watching you forever
“No trial has come to you but what is human. God is faithful and will not let you be tried beyond your strength; but with the trial he will also provide a way out, so that you may be able to bear it.” (New Testament, The First Letter to the Corinthians, Chapter 10, Verse 13)
“I will boast of my weaknesses. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (Osamu Dazai)
P.S. Regarding a Certain Eccentric Painter
Lastly, let me tell you a little bit about a close, yet mysterious man.
There is a very eccentric painter named Takamizawa Mimi.
He is completely different from ordinary painters; he has no canvas in his studio, nor does he own a single paintbrush.
Amazingly, he creates everything digitally.
Then, he finishes the artwork by carefully printing the completed piece onto high-quality printmaking paper using a special method called the “giclée print technique.”
The themes he draws are entirely consistent.
Your eyes and my eyes, Christianity, eternity, psychology, truth, gazes, history, loneliness, isolation, hardship, resurrection, and liberation.
Hearing only this, you might think of him as some stiff, difficult person.
But the truth is, he is an unbelievably clumsy, very foolish, and pathetic man who is always the laughingstock of those around him.
Yet, he simply believes in the path he walks.
No matter how much he is laughed at, he is a man of tremendous patience and unyielding resilience who never gives up.
He originally decided to become a painter after learning the intense story of Vincent van Gogh.
Takamizawa Mimi knows best of all that his own talent as a painter is third-rate at best.
However, he knows this truth:
Every single masterpiece remaining in art history was never painted solely through the innate talent of a genius, but was born through blood-soaked, decades-long trial and error and gritty effort.
That is why he keeps drawing “eyes” in his works.
Why does he keep drawing eyes?
Because through his work, he wants to constantly feel “you,” the person right in front of him.
He wants to know you so badly.
Go ahead, please laugh heartily at his extreme clumsiness.
After all, he is exposing all of his foolishness to you, the person right in front of him.
He lives for nothing else but the simple desire to see the face of you, right in front of him, rejoicing.
At times, he truly wishes to see you moved to tears as your soul is shaken.
Boring criticisms from the world or the cold voices of others mean nothing to him.
If he is abandoned by you—yes, you who are reading this right now—he can no longer go on living.
Just having you right in front of him makes him happy enough to fill his chest.
Takamizawa Mimi deeply respects Mr. Tokuji Muneatsugu, the founder of Curry House CoCo Ichibanya, from the bottom of his heart.
Therefore, without looking aside at all, he pours all his energy into his art.
He says there is no time to be indulging in hobbies.
Every day, day after day, like stacking bricks one by one, he accumulates work with intense focus.
“Immediate decision, immediate conclusion, immediate execution. If you try anything, you will get results. First, just do it. In exchange, you must work hard.”
Just as those words say, he dedicates his entire life to his work, and to his devotion to you.
He believes with his life that a person’s life is not decided by their birth or upbringing.
Just as Mr. Tokuji Muneatsugu did not know the faces of his real parents, lived a turbulent life, and dedicated himself to management out of a haphazard existence, Takamizawa Mimi also sticks to a hands-on approach.
Working more than 12 hours a day is the bare minimum condition for him.
He doesn’t want to rest, he doesn’t want to play; he wants to make his work his hobby and dedicate his entire being to you.
This is his “You-First Principle.”
When you appear before his eyes, a storm of applause erupts inside his heart.
Things of true value often lack immediate effects.
There is no way things go perfectly right from the start.
Rather than thinking, try doing it first. So, please, do not give up easily either.
What kind of life it becomes is decided by a person’s diligence, patience, and continuity.
Like Sakichi Toyoda, the founder of Toyota, what is needed is tenacity and patience.
Sakichi was also treated as an eccentric “invention maniac” and a madman by those around him.
From morning till night, day after day, he would make something and break it, build it and rebuild it again—such were his madness-like days.
Yet, neither success nor failure is the end. What is important is the courage to continue.
In any case, he himself works the longest and the hardest.
Like the fierce resolve of Choya Umeshu’s “If you don’t succeed with plum liqueur, give up on life,” Takamizawa Mimi has also cut off his retreat.
Inspired by the “Just-in-Time” aspect of the Toyota Production System, he has engraved the words of Kiichiro Toyoda onto his heart.
“The joy of life lies in masterfully achieving what few others do, and what is difficult to do. Execute with a strong conviction. Everyone thinks the same thoughts, and it wasn’t that Kiichiro was a genius. What is important is that he didn’t merely think about what is generally considered impossible, but carried a strong conviction that he must do it no matter what, made sufficient preparations, and executed it.”
And in the story of Van Gogh, there is another wonderful woman who must never be forgotten.
She is Jo, the wife of Van Gogh’s brother, Theo.
Without her life-long achievement, the Van Gogh of today would not exist.
Jo truly understood Vincent van Gogh’s paintings and philosophy, and she swore, “I must absolutely never let this great painter be buried away from the world.”
Van Gogh’s intense life and the life of Jesus Christ overlap deeply in some ways.
And no matter how wonderful something is, it requires a “communicator” to convey it to the world.
The devotion offered by Van Gogh’s brother Theo and his wife Jo is of the exact same nature as Saint Paul’s devotion to Jesus Christ.
After the Van Gogh brothers passed away one after the other, Jo organized the vast number of Van Gogh’s works and the passionate letters exchanged between the brothers left in her hands, published them herself, and played the role of spreading their achievements to the world.
She was a highly intelligent woman who loved reading, and she risked her life to spend her days making the paintings of the brother her husband Theo believed in known to the world.
If Van Gogh had not recorded his philosophy and anguish over his art so clearly in his letters, and if Jo had not risked her life to translate and put them out into the world, the painter Van Gogh would have been buried in the darkness of history.
Just as Paul traveled to various places after the death of Jesus Christ to continue conveying his life and thoughts, which led to changing the world later on, good things will never spread unless someone explains them and conveys them with enthusiasm.
Jo and Paul played the same role as Steve Jobs, who was the world’s best salesman, Akio Morita of Sony, Takeo Fujisawa who sold Honda’s Super Cub like crazy, or Shotaro Kamiya who spread Toyota’s Corolla to the world.
Conveying good things is what matters. Because if it is not communicated, it is the same as not existing in this world.
The work of a painter is that of a doctor who heals your wounded soul, a thorough clown at his own expense, and a service.
Takamizawa Mimi dedicates the entirety of his life to you, who are right in front of him.
“Think changeably, but when the time for action comes, stop thinking and go.” (Henry Ford)
“To know the truth of life, one must lose everything once.” (Agatha Christie)
“I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go.” (Moses, Old Testament, Genesis)
“It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.” (William Shakespeare)
“Do not place your burden on another’s shoulders. However, you must help carry another’s burden.” (Talmud)
“Human beings were born for the sake of love and revolution.” (Osamu Dazai)
“What adults say are nothing but lies. However, loving those lies is where the wisdom of adults begins.” (Osamu Dazai)
“I just want to believe. I feel that believing in humanity is something loftier than believing in God.” (Osamu Dazai)
“Never give in. Never, never, never—in nothing, great or small, large or petty—never give in.” (Winston Churchill)
“Press on. Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent.” (Ray Kroc)
“All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.” (Walt Disney)
To you, who have read through my long, long, desperate monologue up to this point.
I offer you my deepest gratitude, overflowing from my heart.
Thank you so very much.
I was deeply saved by your gentle patience.
For someone like you, there is a special, amazing announcement I absolutely must share.
In truth, the works of the painter Takamizawa Mimi I just spoke of are now available as beautiful art postcards in an impressive “A4 size,” and there is a chance for you to get 10 of them completely for free.
Yes, this is by no means a lie or an exaggeration.
For your sake, to heal your loneliness even a little, we will deliver them carefully to your home.
This is the shape of my life-wearing, desperate devotion and all the service spirit I possess, just for you.
Try decorating the walls of your room with those cards.
The “eyes” drawn there will continue to watch over you every day with a gentle gaze.
Right below this text, a place has been prepared where you can apply for this special offer.
Please go there and gently click it.
Right now, by your ear, right by your side, I am inviting you with all my heart.
“Please try applying right now.”
If you think “I’ll do it later” and leave this place, you might never be able to get your hands on the postcards of my work again.
Because opportunity is something that always passes by in a flash.
I want to connect with you.
With my paintings and my words, I want to gently save that poignant heart of yours that can never be satisfied deep inside.
Please, do not let go of this outstretched hand.