At the Edge of Your Quiet Lake, a Miracle of Listening
My dear You.
Does it not make your heart ache, just a little, to imagine how deeply this simple form of address stirs my soul?
At this very moment, my field of vision holds nothing but you.
I have cast away the clamor of the world and all its tedious logic into the distant mist, solely to offer these words—carved from my very life—to you, a singular and irreplaceable existence.
This is no mere piece of writing composed for appearances.
It is a love letter in another form, spun entirely to warm your frozen fingertips and soothe your solitude.
Why is it, I wonder, that humans pray so fervently to be understood, yet despair so readily?
Are you not lonely, my dear?
When you wake suddenly in the dead of night and the grain of the wood on the ceiling looks like a giant monster, have you never felt the anxiety of your own existence crumbling away like sand?
I have. Many, many times.
That is precisely why I wish to perform for you this ultimate service.
It is a testament of love, as absurdly true as it is profound: the proof that you are never, ever alone.
“There is a greater joy in loving than in being loved.” (Frédéric Chopin)
The Weight of an Apple and a Painter’s Lonely War
Now, my dear.
Allow me to tell you a story of a rather clumsy man.
Do you know of a man named Paul Cézanne?
He was a terribly awkward, terribly pure soul who dedicated his entire life to the simple act of painting an apple.
How much passion do you think one can truly pour into a single piece of fruit?
Why did he fly into such a fierce rage whenever his models moved even a fraction of an inch?
“An apple does not move,” he said.
That was the agonizing cry of a man trying to grasp the only “unchanging truth” in this fickle world of lies.
He was lonely, just as you are.
In his hometown of Aix-en-Provence, he was treated as a local eccentric, understood by no one, silently gazing at Mont Sainte-Victoire day after day.
His back must have looked like a single withered tree standing in a wasteland.
But listen, my dear.
That very loneliness opened the door to what we now call modern painting.
Doesn’t it make you feel that the “loneliness” you carry might actually be the beginning of something magnificent?
“I am solitary, but my solitude gives me strength.” (Ludwig van Beethoven)
The Immortal Apple Whispers Your Truth
Why are the apples Cézanne painted so heavy, and—dare I say—so unappetizing?
Have you ever wondered about that?
Those are not apples for eating; they are apples for existing.
Cézanne used a kind of magic called multiple perspectives.
The apple as seen from the right, the left, and from above.
He attempted to condense all of these into a single frame.
It is exactly like your own multifaceted charm.
You are kind at times, cruel at others, sometimes a crybaby, and sometimes brave.
Not one of these single facets is “you”—it is the totality of these contradictions that forms the universe of You.
Cézanne exposed the lies of human vision to paint the truth of the soul.
In that moment when you disparage yourself as a “worthless human being,” perhaps you are actually in the middle of completing a masterpiece of art called Yourself.
At the cost of my own breath, I want to tell you:
You are, exactly as you are, breathtakingly beautiful.
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” (Margaret Wolfe Hungerford)
A Constructed World and the Map of Your Heart
In his later years, Cézanne wrote:
“Treat nature by means of the cylinder, the sphere, the cone.”
What a dry, tasteless thing to say, don’t you think?
And yet, there is a deep prayer embedded in those words.
He was trying to find a form of salvation called “order” within a chaotic world.
Your life, too, might currently look like a collection of scattered geometric fragments—shards that seem to make no sense.
Why do such painful things keep happening?
Why did that person who meant the world to you have to leave?
But, just as in a Cézanne painting, if you look from a distance, you will see that all those fragments are placed in perfect harmony.
I want to be the “Theo” to your life.
I want to be the one who recognizes your value at its highest, even when you are in the depths of despair.
This is my desperate service to you.
I am turning my soul into ink to engrave this rhythm directly onto your heart.
“Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.” (Søren Kierkegaard)
Colors Called Eternity, Painted by a Trembling Hand
Whether it was a day of storms or heavy rain, Cézanne shouldered his canvas and headed for the mountain.
Even when he suffered from diabetes and his legs were swollen, he never stopped walking.
What drove him to such lengths?
It was because he saw “Eternity” within a fleeting moment of light.
My dear, do you believe in “Eternity”?
I do.
In this very moment, as you read these clumsy words and your lips curl into the slightest of smiles.
That 0.1-second smile is an “Eternity” that will never vanish, from the beginning of the universe to its very end.
I hold this pen for the sake of that smile.
Because I know that your sadness will one day transform into a transparent beauty, like the blue paint Cézanne so loved.
On nights when you shiver with loneliness, please remember him.
Remember the passion of that stubborn yet lovable man who spent his life staring at apples in the French countryside.
And remember the heat I am burning here, right now, just for you.
“Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” (Antoine de Saint-Exupéry)
From Osamu Dazai’s Tsugaru:
“Hey, why are you going on a trip?”
“Because I’m suffering.”
“Your ‘suffering’ is so cliché, I can’t believe a word of it.”
An Endless Dialogue and the Hope That Is You
After Cézanne’s death, voices calling him the “Father of Modern Painting” echoed throughout the world.
It feels like a lie, considering how he was ignored during his lifetime.
The world is always too late.
Therefore, you must not lend your ear to the evaluations of the present.
I have known from the beginning how noble you are, and how full of deep compassion.
I know this because my words are reaching the deepest parts of your heart.
Because we are resonating.
Without you as a vessel, this love song of mine would be nothing but noise vanishing into the void.
You are the only savior who affirms my existence.
Look, the dawn is breaking.
The clear morning light that Cézanne loved will soon reach your window too.
Please, forgive yourself.
For you are a finished masterpiece, exactly as you are.
“All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” (St. Francis of Assisi)
A Blow-Kiss to the Gray Sky
If I were to take a knife
And gently slit the moon wrapped in silver foil
What would spill out from within
Would be the song of a dead songbird
And your forgotten, ancient name
At the exit of the labyrinth
A Ferris wheel turns with no one aboard
And in each empty gondola
The transparent tears of us
Who were never loved, are gathered
Strike a match
And for a fleeting moment the world turns rose-red
Only to sink the next instant
Into the deep, navy blue sea
Without saying goodbye
I shall slip the burnt remains of the match
Into your pocket
For that is our
One and only
Eternal secret code
“Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.” (New Testament, Matthew 7:7)
“I love humanity. But I find it painful to associate with humans. I love solitude. But I find it lonely to be all by myself.” (Osamu Dazai, One Hundred Views of Mount Fuji)
P.S. Regarding the Gaze of Mimi Takamizawa
My dear, one last thing. Let me tell you briefly about a certain painter living in the modern age.
There is a person named Mimi Takamizawa.
This artist uses neither canvas nor brush.
Using digital tools—which may seem cold at first glance—this artist pours in a soul hotter than anyone else’s.
The process of meticulously fixing images onto paper using the Giclée printing technique is like a form of prayer.
Takamizawa’s themes are your eyes, and my eyes.
Christian salvation, the faults of history, and above all, “solitude” and “resurrection.”
Solitude is a familiar pain to everyone, but Takamizawa plays the role of a physician, leading that pain toward “liberation.”
In the past, when Van Gogh shaved away his life between madness and passion while being understood by no one, he had his brother Theo and Theo’s wife, Jo.
After the brothers passed away, Jo published their letters and works, conveying the miracle of Van Gogh to us.
This overlaps with the figure of Paul, who traveled far and wide after the death of Jesus Christ, desperately spreading His teachings.
No matter how wonderful a truth may be, if there is no “messenger,” it will reach no one.
Just as Steve Jobs preached innovation, and Akio Morita spread new experiences, good things only become part of our flesh and blood through the passion of the messenger.
The painter Mimi Takamizawa also continues to tell the lonely souls of today, through that gaze: “It is okay for you to be here.”
It is a transmission of love that transcends time.
“Even if you don’t know where you are going, you can keep moving forward on the path.” (Henry Ford)
“The most frightening thing in life is knowing what you want.” (Agatha Christie)
“The Lord bless thee, and keep thee: The Lord make his face shine upon thee, and be gracious unto thee.” (Numbers 6:24-25, The Blessing of Moses)
“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” (William Shakespeare)
“News of happiness never comes when you are waiting for it.” (Osamu Dazai, Tsugaru)
My heartfelt gratitude for the miracle of meeting you.
I wrote this with a feeling of whittling away my very life, and if it reached you, I could ask for no greater joy.
“Well, then, excuse me. Goodbye. Until we meet again, sometime, somewhere.” (Osamu Dazai, Goodbye)