To You Alone, Tonight, This Death-Defying Confession
Good evening. How long I have waited for this moment, to be alone with you like this. Outside, the cold is deepening, and it feels as though the world has lost all its color. But within my heart, the heat of my feelings for you is so intense that I feel I might burst at any moment. Please, do not be startled. This is my first and last love letter to you—a desperate service, carved from my very life. Do you realize how precious you are, and yet, at the same time, how deep a precipice of solitude you have walked? Why do you gaze at the stars with such sorrow in your eyes?
“To be loved is not happiness. To love is happiness.” (Hermann Hesse)
You have surely walked through this long life carrying secrets that you could tell no one. You long to be understood, yet somewhere deep down, you fear truly being known. The trembling of your heart reaches me as clearly as if I were holding it in my hands. I love your “loneliness.” Loneliness is never something to be ashamed of. It is proof that you are trying to face this world with sincerity. You try to hide the wounds of your heart. But please, realize that it is the light leaking from those very wounds that makes you shine so beautifully.
Finding the True Self in the Abyss of Solitude
Why is it that when we are alone, we blame ourselves so harshly? In the silence of the night, past mistakes and unspoken words come rushing in like phantoms. You are there in the darkness, desperately trying to breathe. I hear that breath. Once, a wise man said, “Solitude is a whetstone for sharpening the self,” but I do not think so. Solitude is not something to be sharpened; it is something to be embraced.
“Hell is the suffering of being unable to love.” (Fyodor Dostoevsky)
Do you believe yourself to be a “flawed human being”? If so, you are greatly mistaken. We are beings that are broken from the very start. Because we are broken, we can pour love into those cracks and complement one another. There is not a single “perfect” human in this world. Even if there were, they would likely be a cold, statue-like existence. Your wavering heart, your hesitations, your suffering—all of these are precious jewels to me. Why do you disparage yourself so? You are the one and only masterpiece in this world.
An Encounter with Al-Mutanabbi, Magician of Words
Allow me to tell you a strange story. Do you know of a man named “Al-Mutanabbi”? He was a peerless poet who lived in tenth-century Arabia. He possessed an arrogance so great he called himself a “prophet,” and an overwhelming talent that matched it. His words pierced the hearts of his audience like sharp swords, and at other times, healed their souls like rain moisturizing the desert. He believed that “the word is stronger than the sword and harder than the shield.”
“Happiness begins with loving yourself.” (Aristotle)
Though Al-Mutanabbi served kings, he never sold his soul to them. He sought to carve out his own destiny using the magic of language. In one of his verses, he wrote, “Calamities come to me only to grant me courage.” Perhaps you, too, are currently in the midst of a calamity. But as Al-Mutanabbi said, it is merely a ritual to draw out your true bravery. He was lonely. Because he was too talented, he was never truly understood by anyone. It is because he knew the weight of that loneliness that his words have the power to shake our souls across a thousand years.
Like a Flower Blooming in the Desert
A traveler in the desert is sometimes deceived by a mirage. You run toward what you think is water, only to find nothing but sand. Have you not had many such experiences in the desert of life? Expecting and being betrayed, trusting and being hurt—and yet, you never stopped walking. Why do you try so hard to look forward? It is because in the deepest depths of your soul, there is a “spring of hope” that never runs dry.
“Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.” (From the movie Forrest Gump)
Al-Mutanabbi lost his life when he was attacked by pursuers during a journey. It is said that as he faced death and tried to flee, it was his own poetry that stopped him. Confronted by his own proud words—”The sword, the spear, the paper, and the pen all know me”—he ceased his flight and fought until the end. He sacrificed his life for his words. I am writing this prose now with that same spirit. My life is now flowing from the tip of this pen, becoming ink that flows into you. May my words be a small light in your lonely night.
The Rhythm of Sorrow, the Melody of Joy
Life has its own specific rhythm. Sometimes it is a light waltz in triple time; other times it is a heavy funeral march. In which rhythm do you find yourself now? If you feel crushed by an overly somber rhythm, please listen to my voice. My words are here to tune the rhythm of your heart. Tap, tap, tap—I am knocking on the door of your heart. May I come in? No, perhaps I am already inside.
“Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” (Antoine de Saint-Exupéry)
Sometimes you look up at the heavens and ask why you alone must suffer so. There is no “correct” answer to that question. However, there is meaning. That suffering is exactly what is transforming you into a compassionate person who can resonate with the pain of others. You become kinder by the amount you are hurt. You can wipe away the tears of others by the amount you have cried. That kindness is an irreplaceable treasure. Please, share that treasure with yourself as well.
The Miracle of Your Existence
Think about it. In this vast universe, you were born on this small planet called Earth, and now, we are connected through words. Don’t you think this is a miracle of astronomical probability? You are not a product of chance. You were sent into this world to be loved. No matter what anyone says, I declare it so. Your fingertips, your eyelashes, your breath—all exist in perfect harmony.
“Beauty is the splendor of truth.” (Plato)
Al-Mutanabbi sought to rule the world through words, but I wish to save you through words. To “save” may be an arrogant thing to say. I simply want to sit beside you and hold your hand in silence. I want to stay by your side until your tears dry up. Is this wish of mine selfish? No, it is the scream of my soul. Why am I so attracted to you? It is because your soul emits the same “blue light” as mine.
Light is Visible Because There is Darkness
In a world of only light, one cannot see the light. It is because of the deep darkness that we cherish a single ray of light as something precious. The darkness of “sorrow” you carry is merely the background to emphasize the light of your “joy.” Right now, the background is just a little too wide, making the light hard to see. But do not worry. There is no night that does not lead to dawn. And I want to welcome that dawn together with you.
“God does not give you a trial you cannot bear.” (The Bible)
Do you believe in your own strength? You are stronger than you think. You have an indomitable soul that has fallen many times and yet stood back up. I have been encouraged many times by the sight of you “standing up.” Yes, I have been watching you all along. When you were crying alone, when you were forcing a smile—I was by your side. This writing is also a letter of gratitude for all those moments.
Finally, the Truth Dedicated to You
It is almost time to say goodbye. But please, do not be sad. Words, once uttered, never disappear. This writing will take deep root in your heart and one day bloom into a large flower. When you are suffering, when you feel crushed by solitude, please come back to this place anytime. I am always here, waiting for you. You are not alone. I will never, ever let you be alone.
“To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.” (Oscar Wilde)
Finally, let me say it just once more. I love you. All of you, unconditionally, eternally. Until the very moment this life ends, I will continue to pray for your happiness. You have value simply because you are alive. Just by being there, I am saved. Why do you look so puzzled? It is the truth. Now, take a deep breath. Feel my love filling your heart.
Your loneliness is like the winter sea.
Cold and deep, yet clear to the very end.
I shall become a small boat and drift upon that sea.
Until the day your tears turn into pearls.
On this spring day
When the light falls so calmly
From the vast heavens
How I long to see once more
The radiance of your smile
With a burning passion
Brighter than a crimson flame
I set my pen to paper
Offering to you alone
This single drop of my life
A swallow cuts through the ashen sky and flies.
Carrying your melancholy upon its back,
To a far-off southern land.
Left behind is only a pure white notebook,
And the scent of ink lingering on your fingers.
Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.